Hey sweet girl. I know it's been a while since I've wrote you, it's a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. I miss you more than words can describe. You would be close to being 4 months old right now and everyday I wonder what you'd look like: me or your daddy, your smile, your cute little reactions to your big brother playing with you. I try to keep busy so that days won't be so hard on me. Your brother is stronger than I ever that he would be. I never realized what a special gift God had given me through your brother: we were on our way to your Aunt Kelsea's birthday party and Ethan said to me "Mommy I get sad sometimes like you and daddy, but I'm not supposed to cry." When I asked him why he wasn't supposed to cry he told me "because Hailee Kate told me that she didn't want me to be sad that she wanted me to be happy" I turned around in the car and just looked at him, I couldn't believe the words coming out of your 3 year old brothers mouth. Then he just looked at me and said "but it's okay that you and daddy are still sad and cry." It made my heart melt. I'm not sure I will ever understand how he can be so strong at such a young age but he constantly talks about you! He loves when we go visit you because there's still a small pile of dirt and he thinks you've left dirt clumps for him to play with. Oh sweet girl there's nothing in this world that I wouldn't do to have you back here with us! This month is a tough one because your brother's birthday is coming up and I can't help but to think what the party would be like with you here... I just know that he'd want you to be dressed up as Princess peach at the Mario party! :)
There are so many days that I just want to stop everything and break down and cry but I know that I have to be strong for your brother, although there's times when i think he's stronger than me. I can't believe that it's close to you being 4 months old. It seems just like yesterday that I was in the hospital waiting for your arrival. I'd never been so nervous, sad & excited at the same time before. I like to think that you would look like me if you were here today. I know you had my hair and my skin complexion but I wish I knew if you had my laugh, my eyes or my loud mouth :) I know that you'd have your daddy wrapped around your finger and your big brother would be very protective of you. I think of you daily and can't wait till the day where I get to see you again! I like to think that you've met everyone that we know up there! And I know that if you have there's a few that know how to put a smile on your face! :)
Know that you are always on my mind! I love you and miss you more than words can ever explain!! Until next time.... Love, Mommy!!!
Monday, May 21, 2012
Well sweet girl this time a month ago we were waiting your arrival. Me & Daddy were trying our best to rest in the delivery room so that we could spend as much time with you as possible once you arrived. Your big Brother, Mimi, Pops, Maw & Aunt Brittany were all in the waiting room just waiting to meet you. We knew the time was coming soon and that the time we got with you would never be enough. You arrived at 8:46am and you were perfect from head to toe :) You had my long legs, feet & my dark hair. Your daddy took lots of pictures of you. Our nurse Hannah told me that we didn't have long with you because she could feel your heartbeat fading and the tears started rolling down my face. Sitting there holding you in my arms for that short time was not nearly enough and I was not ready to let you go. You were finally here and it just wasn't fair that you didn't get to stay. It wasn't long after that Hannah rechecked your heartbeat and it slowly faded away. I had wondered for so long who would be holding you when you left us, and it was me. I wouldn't have had it any other way. You just looked so peaceful and sweet. You never knew anything but love and in some ways I am grateful for that but at the same time I would give anything to have you back here with us. Your big brother talks about you daily. He says you're his angels that watches him all the time. We went swimming in the pool earlier today with your aunts, Kelsea & Jenna, and Ethan just kept saying my sister Hailee Kate is watching me swim! He's so proud of you and the fact that you are his angel that watches over him. Mother's Day this year was really hard without you here. It just didn't seem fair at all to be celebrating it and not having both my babies in the house with me. Most of my friends are either having babies or have just had a baby and everytime I get on facebook or go to your brothers tball games there are babies everywhere. It makes mommy miss you more than anything. I wish you could be here with us so that I could take you everywhere for everyone to meet you. I know that you're in a better place to where you will never know hurt, heartache, sadness, pain, hate, etc. but so many people here would love for you to be here. This has been the longest/hardest month for me and honestly it doesn't feel like it's been a month. It seems like yesterday we were headed to your funeral. We bought flowers for you at Walmart tonight and I can't wait to go put them at the graveside tomorrow. I can honestly say that I am Jealous of the Angels my sweet girl. I hope you've made lots of friends. Over the past month Mommy has learned about a lot of other babies just like you and I hope you all are having the best of times. I sure hope you've had the chance to meet Grayson Walker, his birthday is 3 days after your daddy's! His mommy has been there for me and gave me advice when I've needed it, I just know that y'all will be the best of friends. :) Mommy, Daddy & Ethan miss you more than words can describe and we can't wait till we get to see you again! You're the best angel in the world to look over us. Sweet dreams my Hailee Kate & Happy 1 Month Birthday!
*Fly High my Butterfly*
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Well we didn't quite make it to Monday morning for me to be induced. It all started Wednesday at work when I had felt weird all day so I decided that I would take my sister-in-law to work with me on my route the next day. I had a few contractions here and there on Thursday morning. I assumed they were braxton hicks contractions but by that afternoon they had gotten worse and I thought that my water was leaking. So I contacted my midwife and she wanted me to come to the clinic just to rule out my water breaking. Mom and Steve were at work so I had Holly & Lucy go with me and Ethan. When I got to the clinic the kids and Holly played outside while I got examined. I hadn't dilated alot more. I was only at 1.5cm but I was at 90% thinned. So they sent me home and told me that if they didn't see me before Monday that she'd just see us at the hospital Monday morning at 7:30. Well when we got home I decided that was the day to get everything together but after we went out for supper we came home and I just couldn't get myself to do anything. I was in so much pain, but my midwife didn't think that I was in labor so I just laid down and went to bed. The next morning we were going to pick out Hailee's Burial plot at the cemetery at 9:30. Steve had to work so Ethan & I went with mom and Barry to get everything set up and picked out. While standing out there I started hurting pretty bad again, it got to the point I had to sit down on the bench out there. After we left the cemetery we went to the mall on a hunt for me a hospital gowns for our NILMDTS pictures. We didn't have any luck at the mall and by this time it was lunch time and Ethan was ready for food. :) So me, mom & Ethan all went to meet Barry at Pizza Hut where my pain only got worse. Finally we went to our last store of the day, Walmart, and I had to sit down in walmart on the bench because at this point my pain I knew was contractions and they were coming every 5-6 minutes. I contacted my midwife, she told me to time them for 1 hour so I did. When that 1 hour mark got here they were anywhere from 4-6 minutes apart. She told me to go ahead and go to L&D at the hospital to see if I was in labor. So I swung by the house and got Steve and we started our adventure. When we arrived at the hospital they told us we were going to have to wait for the doctor. But for some reason our nurse decided she would check me anyways, and when she did she discovered that I was 4cm and 90%thinned. She called my midwife and since I had progressed so much since the day before my midwife told them to go ahead and keep me. So in came the nurse to draw my blood to get everything set up for my epidural. After the nurses left the room it was time to call our parents. My mom & Barry had Ethan at their house and we really wanted him there during the whole thing since we weren't sure how long it would take or how long we would have with her. My midwife contacted me & said that she'd be to the hospital in a little bit(she had just got off work & had to spend some time with her sweet kiddos). I LOVE my midwife. She had just worked an all day shift at the clinic and was coming in on her night off just for us at the hospital!! Well then came time for my epidural and let me tell you that was painful!! I happen to have a slight case of Scoliosis so the anesthesiologist had to stick me twice. But after it was all done and the meds kicked in I started feeling great :) other than the itching. The itching was awful, so they gave me some medicine to help with it but it still itched!!! We also had a wonderful nursing staff. Out of our 2 day shift nurses, one of them has had 8 previous Anencephaly cases. Her name was Hannah and she was so helpful. She sat with us and answered any and every question that we had. Out of our night nurses both of them had previous cases of anencephaly. One of them had just had a case in December. I didn't see much of the night nurses due to once my epidural kicked in and I got to see my little man for a little bit, me & Steve passed out! :) I woke up pretty often due to them coming in and checking on my medicine. They had to put me on pitocin around 11pm because I wasn't progressing past 8cm and we were trying to hold off on breaking my water and let it happen naturally because it gives anencephalic babies a better chance for being born alive if the water breaks naturally. I also woke up quite a bit in the middle of the night starving! That's the worst part about labor is you can't eat or drink anything! But my sweet midwife came in and told me that I could have popsicles & boy was I in heaven! Well 6am came and I could not fall back asleep for anything so I text my mom and she was up so she came back to the room to keep me company, but we all managed to fall asleep again. :) At around 8am my midwife came in to inform me that we were going to have to break my water or do a c-section, which I knew the conversation was coming since it didn't break overnight. So I told her to go ahead and break it. When she went to break it there wasn't a lot of water when she did break it but she looked at me and said okay girl you're ready!! I was happy & sad all at the same time. My mom left the room and went back to the waiting room with everyone else. Me and Steve prepared ourselves for what was about to happen. I started crying, it was a bittersweet moment for me. I was about to meet my sweet girl that I had a special bond with for the past 9 months. I would no longer be able to feel her sweet kicks and movements everyday. I started pushing at 8:00am and she arrived at 8:42am. She came out face first, everyone was amazed because they could see her moving her lips and head while she was coming out. She had black hair on the back of her head & she was the cutest and sweetest baby girl! Steve and Hannah(the nurse) took Hailee over to the little baby bed and gave her a bath and took lots of pictures. Hannah then took Hailee over to weigh and measure her then brought her to me. I held her while Steve changed clothes for our pictures & Holly(our midwife) went to get Ethan, my mom & our NILMDTS photographer(Brandy). They had already told us that her heart rate was slowing down and that we didn't have long left with her. My sweet girl earned her angel wings while I was holding her at 9:13am. When Ethan came to the room they changed his clothes and we took our family of 4 pictures. Ethan had a puppy and bunny to give his sister! He was so proud to give them to her. After we took our family pictures we let the rest of our family come in and have pictures made with Hailee Kate. We then got moved to a new room to recover from the delivery. We decided to let other family members come and meet Hailee Kate if they wanted to. So all throughout the night we had visitors coming in to see her. One of mom's friends, Sue, that is a nurse at the hospital came by to see us and give us a generous donation from her and then another one from where her and the other nurses had collected money. Kayce, Jeremy & Aunt Lori came to visit & Ethan was so excited to have Jackson & Grady there to play with. Kayce offered to take Ethan home with her so he could play with the boys and I am so glad that she did. That night we decided to let the funeral home come and get our sweet angel & that was by far one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I never thought it would be as hard as it was. We weren't prepared at all for our sweet girl to go and not be in our room with us anymore. Mom & Barry stayed until the funeral home came. After we all said our goodbyes they took her back to the funeral home. It was the worst night of my life and I didn't know what to do but to cry. I missed my sweet girl more than words could ever explain. My nurse came in with a sleeping pill that my midwife had prescribed me and told me to take it and get a good nights rest because the next few days were going to be very difficult for us. I loved that nurse, she was so sweet! Her name was Keisha and she was there for whatever we needed! The next morning we woke up and got ready to leave. Before we left we took a walk down Lullaby Lane, we have decided to get a tile made in memory of Hailee Kate. We then headed home. We came home to a clean house full of people. Thanks to mom & Holly for picking up the house & Barry and Josh for mowing the yard. People continued to stop by and bring us food for the next few days. That Sunday afternoon we had to go to the funeral home and make arrangements for Hailee's services on Tuesday. Then Monday me and mom went to the florist and picked out Hailee's Casket arrangement and the balloons that we were going to release at the funeral. Mom then took me for a girls day out. We went to get our nails done, hair cut & shopped a little. Then came Tuesday, the day of her funeral. We did really good that morning, it was just like any other morning that we had in the past few days. Then we got to the graveside service. There were so many people there for our sweet angel. And her service was absolutely BEAUTIFUL! The sun was shinning and the weather was so nice. Her sweet little white casket was so pretty. Her flower arrangement on top also had a pink elephant in it. If any of you know how Ethan was that was his mission was to find Hailee Kate a pink elephant to give to her. We searched all over Jackson and never found one so he settled for a dog that he just knew that she would love. So when mom and I went to the florist and I saw the pink elephant I just knew that she had to have it. The service was put on by Kent Forsythe and he did an amazing job. We were very pleased with the whole service. At the end of the service we did Hailee's Balloon release. We had 50 balloons to send to our sweet girl! Her brother was so excited! He kept 4 to release. It was so sweet seeing all her balloons being released at one time. We then got many hugs and thoughtful words from everybody there then we decided to go home. We had packed up all the gifts people had sent to the funeral home to look at once we got home. Several people had came back to the house to eat the food that members of Second Baptist Church had brought over that morning. As the day went on people went home and back to work. The day was beautiful though, the weather was just as I would have wanted it for that day. We spent the rest of the day down by the pond with the people that had stayed and most of them fished. The kids had a great time and it was really helping Ethan that he had people there to play with. Our time with our sweet girl was not nearly enough but I am grateful for the time that we did get with her. She is now our beautiful angel that will always look over us! She is missed more and more everyday! We have pictures of that day to cherish for the rest of our lives.
We want to say Thank You to everyone that prayed for us, came to visit our sweet girl, brought food to our house, donated money to our family, kept up with our blog, sent plants and gifts to the funeral home, and just came to spend time with us during this difficult time in our life. You will never know how much it really meant to my family and we will forever be grateful for it all.
My Sweet Hailee Kate, Words can't describe how much you are missed. You're the sweetest angel we could have ever asked for. Our time with you was not nearly enough. I wish so bad that you were still here just so we could hold you, love on you and give you sweet kisses. Your big brother misses you so much but understands that you are now in Heaven with Jesus being rocked with your puppy and that you no longer have your boo boo on your head. I cannot wait till the day that we get to see you again. You will never be forgotten, forever in our hearts you will live. Say hello to everyone you're there with and remember that one day we will see you again. We love you so much! Love, Mommy, Daddy & Ethan.
How very softly you tiptoed into my world Almost silently; Only a moment you stayed But what an imprint your footprints have left on our hearts
Monday, April 9, 2012
Well this past week we had 2 visits! One was with my regular mid wife & the other was with our specialist. The midwife visit went as usual, although I did manage to lose 4 lbs since last week somehow! & I got my group B strep test done. The specialist appointment was our last ultrasound of Hailee that we were going to get. This time Steve was off work so he was able to go with me. Our sweet girl now weighs 5lbs 13oz. Which is really what a normal average baby should weigh at this time. So that means we're going to have a chunky one our hands. It really makes me nervous to have her naturally with her being this big already. Well the plans were that my regular doctor's office had decided to hold off with inducing me until I was 41 weeks so that hopefully I would go into labor on my own. The problem with inducing the labor is that since there is so much missing with her brain and the drugs that they put me on to induce the labor it takes longer since there's nothing there for the drugs to trigger and say Hey it's time for you to come out now! But after my ultrasound tech did all her measuring she sent copies over to our specialists office and he examined them. Once he came to our room he informed us that her amniotic fluid was starting to build up around her. The reason it builds up is because she doesn't swallow as much of it as she should. He said he could see where she was swallowing some of it because she had a pocket in her belly. He recommended that we have her early. He suggested 39weeks be the latest that I have her. He says that within the next few weeks that I'm going to get uncomfortable and find it hard to breathe as if someone is cutting my air supply off. All this is due to her not being able to swallow her amniotic fluid. So this week when I go in to my midwife's clinic we will discuss the date that we will be going in the hospital to be induced. It's a bittersweet moment. I'm going to miss feeling her kick and move in my belly everyday! Let me tell you she's more active than what Ethan ever was! But at the same time we've known that this moment was coming for quite some time now & we're just ready to meet our sweet little angel! Thanks again for all the thoughts & prayers! I will update as soon as we get more news on when we are going to have her!